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From Complaint to Completion
Five hints for finding support generates change
Complaining can be very satisfying - having a really good whinge when we’re upset can de-stress us, calm us down, help us re-think the situation.
Sometimes the more upset we are, the longer we stay in complaint and the more people we tell our story to.
There are two problems with this: it can really begin to entrench the conflict and skew our vision of the person (let’s call her Helen) and it can cause even more problems because it can impact those we tell who also know Helen and affect their relationship with her - it creates fall-out. | | Basically you are giving your happiness and well-being over to someone else, so it’s a genuine loss of personal power (welcome to the human race - we're very good at this). If this sounds familiar and you’d like to get your power and happiness back try these ideas:
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1. Have a close look at what feelings you have about Helen and the situation.
2. Allow yourself to connect with those feelings (the actual feelings, not the story you repeat about her). Feel them in your body.
3. Imagine there is a circle around you that contains those feelings. Own them as your feelings and yours alone - because they are. They are your reactions and you can’t change anything until you take responsibility for them.
Until you own them you are stuck with the feelings until Helen or the situation changes - and that may never happen. (By the way, I hate that part - blaming is much easier!) |  |
4. Make a decision to manage these feelings in a harmless way e.g. write them down in a letter that no-one else gets to see (especially Helen), hit them out with rolled newspaper into a pillow, yell them out driving down the highway, blow raspberries loudly where no-one can hear you.
Let the layers of feeling come through and release them (there is usually more than one feeling). Your perception of the situation may still be the same afterwards, but you will be much calmer and more able to think about the wisest way to deal with things.
5. Now is the time to do that thinking. What does the wisest part of you think will be a constructive response to the situation? If you know what to do, but don’t know how, get some coaching from someone you trust or use the resources of this site.
If you don’t know what to do, don’t act immediately but think creatively about options, win-win approaches that you haven’t been open to or discuss it with someone supportive and wait until clarity comes.
Now you can become the change agent, taking it step by step to move from complaint to completion. You are in charge of yourself again and your genuine wisdom and personal power is now available.
|  | Looking For Love - in all the wrong places?
Do you keep hoping you'll get through to someone and finally have their acceptance or love, but you continue to feel like the underdog in the relationship? Join the club! We all do it.
One thing that has helped me is the idea of ‘shadow-hugging’ which came from the Conflict Resolution Network www.crnhq.org
|  | Five hints for getting love and respect
1. First - sorry, but you have to start giving yourself what you want from them. Let’s say it’s respect. Think about what they have or do that you so admire. | | 2. Now put your self-critical thoughts aside for a minute and make a list of your own achievements in your life, your own admirable qualities. If this is hard, ask a good friend or someone you feel good around to help you. If this is really hard, do this every day for a couple of weeks, and make sure to include the most simple, but important things that we often overlook, eg I am a loyal friend, I always remember people’s birthdays, I’m great at my job, I’m reliable and caring. I make sure to do a good job. I help my mates.
| | 3. Pay attention that you do not minimise your own gifts, skills and qualities: these simple things are what make the world go around and keep us together as friends, families and communities - they just don’t make the evening news. Practise saying to yourself “Who I am is enough” - and feeling it inside. Feel your own uniqueness.
4. To feel connected to your own inner power and worth, learn to centre yourself. Once you get the hang of this you can centre quickly, anywhere, anytime eg when nervous, insecure or upset. It’s magic.
|  | Centring Sit or stand quietly and connect with the centre of your ‘belly’ - the area just below the belly button known in aikido as the hara. Breathe slowly and deeply into the belly and imagine a pool of quiet energy there, a centre of calm power. Feel your feet connected to the ground and imagine them extending down deep into the earth like the roots of a tree. Breathe normally now, keeping your attention on the breath and the rise and fall of the belly area as the breath goes in and out. Do for a few minutes.
5. Next time you are with this person, stay in your centre and feel connected to the worth that is you - to these qualities and skills that you naturally offer to life and others; to knowing that who you are is enough, no matter who else is with you. You will know if you go out of your power because your body language will change, so practise coming back to your centre. Keep doing this each day and notice what happens. Keep getting support from someone close when you lose this feeling, and day by day you will notice that you can stay in your power and there is at the same time room for the other person to have their power too, without your feeling belittled in comparison. In fact you can both be top dogs and respect your own and each other’s uniqueness.
|  | Difficult people - Who sinks your boat?
5 Hints That Help
1. Ask yourself why they might behave the way they do. Eg a bully is often very insecure and only knows one way to get noticed. | | 2. When you are feeling that way, what is helpful to you? What do you wish you could have from people? Eg Perhaps acknowlegement of your abilities, or to feel included.
3. Think of a way you could offer this to them - something simple, unobtrusive. When we start to behave differently it can very quickly begin to change the way we are seen by the other person - and we are really all seeking friends far more than we are seeking enemies.
| | 4. Build a small bridge by taking an interest in something about them that is outside of any issues you may have with them. Eg A weekend interest, where they learnt to do something you notice they are good at.
5. Take a deep breath and ask for their advice on something they are qualified in - ask questions, be sincere and take a genuine interest.
All of these hints will do 2 things:
- Start to de-bogey the person and make them more human in your eyes and
- Start to make you more human and worthwhile in their eyes.
|  | Sibling business:
5 Hints That Help
1. Ask yourself what kind of relationship you would like to have with your sister or brother if the difficulties could be sorted. (Keep in mind, it may not be the kind of relationship they want with you at this time).
If you really wish it could be a closer one go to step 2. If you feel very deeply hurt and can't see anything changing - but still wish it would - try the question in FAQ titled "What if I just can't get past the way they have treated me?"
2. Make a list of all the things you feel your brother or sister have done to make things difficult.
3. Now imagine you are a friend of yours who knows you very well. Write down any ways they might consider you have contributed to the problem (even if they'd never say this to your face).
4. Take one of these ideas that you think may have some truth to it (even a tiny bit). This is a Power Point - where you have leverage to impact the situation and bring in something new to perhaps a tired old scene. Your sibling may be feeling as stuck as you are so someone has to be the mover and shaker if something new is to happen. You could wait for them to change - or, just be the mover and shaker yourself.
5. Get creative about how you could use that next time you see, speak or email them. For example, if you have switched off from any interest in something they are doing, switch the interest on again and ask them about it - but listen in a new way as if they were a new person to you.
Have a look at any unhelpful habits you have around them - in the way you speak, act or think. Is there some room for a change here too?
Keep it low key, but remember the relationship you are wanting to create with them and keep that in your mind as you are with them.
Don't expect an instant change from them but keep your strategy going for a while. If there have been difficulties for some time, it can also take a while for the dynamic to change. Think of this as a first step.
Don't give up, and seek help if you feel stuck. Change really is possible and your health and happiness are worth it.
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