 Workplace Conflict
Are you feeling stuck, limited or
under-valued in your workplace?
Conflict is a normal part of life, though it's certainly not fun. Workplace conflict can be very trying and disruptive for all involved, because though we may choose where we work we don't usually choose who we get to work with. Yet we can end up spending more time with these people than with our close ones.
Most of us hate feeling limited by others and want to feel happy and satisfied in our work. If you feel that something needs to change it may be a matter of learning and using specific communication skills (see menu). However, let's look at some more unusual but powerful approaches for conflict management in the workplace.
Communications skills are important, but they are only part of the picture.
We talk about taking work home, but who are you taking to work?
Do you find yourself saying "Yeah, but.." a lot when others make suggestions that could perhaps help?
Psychologists like Bion and Jung say that we tend to recreate our own experience of relationships in family and other significant groups wherever we go. We also tend to repeat our own familiar roles within groups - the people fixer, the organiser, the perfectionist, the outsider, the life of the party, the responsible older brother or sister etc. Or we may play an opposite role at work to the one at home.
Take a moment now to look at these questions:
1. Are you playing out a 'role' at work that is dissatisfying for you?
2. What does that role involve?
3. What are you gaining from playing that role? (What’s the payoff?)
4. What is the down side of it?
5. Is this role familiar to you - perhaps within your family of origin or home life? Or on the other hand is it the deliberate opposite of that (as in the example below) ?
6. How would you like it to be different?
7. What benefits would that bring to you and the group?
8. What sort of person would you have to be for this new scenario to happen?
9. What steps could you take towards change if you decided to?
In your situation you may find you do need to put into action some different communication skills. But if we can see a kind of stuckness in the way we are operating, sometimes we first need to be willing to let go of the old role and its payoffs.
Take a look at how this may play out in John's scenario:
John has been working for the same boss, Fred, for a while. Fred typically finds fault in John's work, but doesn't give John time to fix things properly or criticises him for the time he takes. He also tends not to listen to new ideas John brings him but instead jokes about how long they are going to take. John gets annoyed and often feels discounted and unappreciated because he knows his ideas are good and that he is good at what he does.
Most nights he goes home feeling discouraged, whinging about his situation to himself and anyone else who will listen (he ALWAYS listens!). His wife agrees that his boss is arrogant, domineering and an idiot for not valuing John more.
He has tried to tell his boss he needs more time but Fred is a mover and shaker and just says he hasn't got time.
Here's the thing: John has always felt that he was not valued by his father, who always teased him in front of others for being a dreamer when he'd lose track of time while building something creative. His father was all action and had little time for this side of John. So as an adult John has worked hard to get good at what he does, to be his own person and not need his father's approval.
So far so good. But along with this decision John has developed a subtle my-way-or-the highway approach. A part of him is always inwardly saying to his dad, "Don't tell ME what to do. I know that what I do matters." This creates an ongoing feeling of rebellion under the surface.
He may be more like his boss than he realises. He could get very creative about ways to speed up what he does and how he does it - but stuff it!! Fred should recognise him for his talents. Why should he compromise himself and do things Fred’s way?
John is actually at work with his father. To see any value in his boss's perspective is seen by John as giving way to his father, and he has determinedly survived his critical upbringing and its accompanying feelings of humiliation and belittlement by proving to himself that he no longer wants or needs his dad's approval.
HIs rebellion, which was once his saviour, is now a kind of box he is stuck in at work.
The payoff? He gets to feel righteous and disgruntled and doesn't have to change a thing about himself. After all, his boss is the one with the personality problem. But his boss isn't the one that's suffering. (You could say that the boss is living out his own limited story, but one person at a time!)
So a worthwhile question can be : Who are you taking to work?
To inquire or book a session email
http://kris@conflictadvice.com
or call +61 7 5442 3676
m: 0408226353.
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