About conflict
Tips, thoughts, things that 
genuinely make a difference


WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT TO HAPPEN? 

Sometimes we are so used to conflict in the relationship that we don’t realise it could be sorted - things could really be different. Really be different. Don’t underestimate your ability to be the change agent: you can empower yourself in very simple ways.

Useful questions to ask yourself can be: 

What do I really want here? 

How would I like this relationship to be?

One powerful thing can be to begin treating the other person as you want them to treat you. At first this can go SO against the grain as we may be full of resentment and ‘you owe me!’ feelings. 

If you can be willing - just as a trial - to put these aside surprising things can happen. (You can always go back to the resentment later if you want to!)


A story:  For many years my experience of being with my father was of trying to be the ‘good daughter’ all the time, which meant sitting pinned to the chair for long periods listening as he talked on and on about himself and his experiences and opinions. 

Naturally, I wanted him to be interested in me so I was very resentful about this role I felt forced to play. I was very switched off from him and just wanted to get away.

One day while doing Landmark Education’s Forum training I realised I had never appreciated the years of effort he had put into supporting our family of four kids, and certainly never expressed this to him. A family was never in his original plan; he had decided to be a bachelor, but love happened - and then us! He worked a very disciplined five-and-a-half days a week running his cabinet-making business and this meant a lot of other things were sacrificed - and this was for 32 years!.

So I phoned him and thanked him for what he had done, providing for us for all that time. There was a potent silence from across the Tasman Sea. In his awkward way with personal things, he said  ... thank you. That night I had a strong dream about honouring him after he had died and there was a special bond between us.

What do you think happened the next time I saw him? He asked me all about myself, what I was doing. He was very interested and listened a lot and I actually became more interested in what he was saying. Love came back, warmth was present and this shift in our relationship continued. And this, after all, was what I really wanted. When he died at age 90 I was left with feelings of love, empathy, respect and completion rather than anger, resentment and regret, for which I am very grateful.  




The beautiful photo above was taken in Antartica by Jonathan Morgan. (Click on photo to enlarge)